Underrated.

I do it all.
I work.
I learn.
I clean.
I cook.
I overextend.
It's just the way I am.

But one thing I am not is appreciated.
I work hard at everything I do, regardless of what it is. If I say I am going to do something, you can be sure that I will give 100% every single god damn time. (I'd say more but it isn't physically possible).

If I tell you I am going to do something, by God it's going to happen.

I am one of the most giving people you will ever meet. If you need at ride to a train station at 3 in the morning, I am first to volunteer. If you are drunk and need a DD for six hours and a tank of gas later need taken care of as you get sick, of course I am willing to give up my night to ensure your safety.

What does this do for me? Nothing. Do I expect anything in return? Only respect. Even if I am driving you around, I won't ask for money unless needed.

Seriously. Ask around, it's the truth.

What do I get? Nothing.

When I need something... I don't get it.

Let's use the example of me having a blow out on my way to work. I quickly text everyone in my phone... I get no response. So, I push/drive my own car to the side of the road when I quickly change my tire to a spare. (Good thing I am independent).

I immediately drive to the nearest mechanic where he tells me it will take 4-5 hours to get to my car. So again, to the phone I go. I call and text several people and the responses I get ranged from "Sorry, in class" to "Sorry busy". Obviously, the concern level is zero.

So I walk. I walk to the nearest bus station, I have no coat (left it at home because I can't use it at work) and stand in the cold waiting on the RTA. It finally comes, I get home.

Luckily, I live in a sorority house! I know I can get a ride back in a few hours so I can get my car, right? Wrong.

This is where it gets good, you see I asked people who I had stayed up late with while the got sick or got out of bed to listen to their woes or even driven them somewhere when they needed it and I figured there is no way they could say no....

Well, again my answers were "Oh, I am studying" to the classic "I have a good parking spot, I don't want to lose it." Seriously, why is ok for people to ask me odd favors and I can't even get a ride to get my car? So I call one last person, who agrees to take me. Realize, this person had 3 lab reports and two tests the next and she didn't even hesitate.

Here's the catch... She isn't even my sister. She is just a friend. She has never asked me for a favor in the entire time we have known each other.

So, of course, I vow never to do another favor.

That didn't last.

Now here I sit, scorned yet again by the great ways of being taken advantage. I will do and do and do for everyone but get nothing in return.

How ironic? No, how typical is more like it.

All I want is to be respected, I guess that will never happen because respect is underrated.


Why do something nice for someone when you can take, take, take, take and never have to give one ounce in return?

To say that I am done and it won't happen again would be a lie. I am far to trusting/nice of a person to let that occur...

So instead I will sit and here and realize that there is no good in mankind but there are just a few good people strewn throughout all the selfish... I will make it my goal to find those people.

It might be easier for me to find Waldo or Carmen Sandiego at this point...

Realization.

I was told a month ago that I get everything I want. 

He told me, "Kayla, I have never met anyone quite like you. You are the epitome of awesome. You are a little bit intimidating, you are successful, smart, beautiful, outgoing... I could go on and on with different adjectives that describe you and still not encompass everything that is Kayla. What is most intimidating is that you get everything you want. Even if it wasn't in the prospects of others involved some how you manage it. It's frightening. You are just so warm and great to be around people get lost in you. You make me feel like I have no control, it's scary. I want to be the man in a relationship but with you, it's too easy to just let you take control. I like you, I really like you but I don't think I could ever feel anything more than that. It's about the chase and by you being assertive and taking the lead I didn't have to try. I want to try for a girl."

It was the most eye opening thing I have ever heard. I am intimidating. I never realized that was the case. It finally made sense. I have said many times that I don't want a mangina, but that is who I attract. The shy guy who doesn't know what to do and then I take the lead and he is in awe with me. It makes sense why I frequently feel cheated, like I am working harder than my counterpart.

A quote I chose to live by recently:

Don't make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.

That is how I felt with the newer guys I have pursued. I want someone to call me up and actually ask me on a date. I don't remember the last date I went on that I didn't plan or put the idea in someone's head to do so. I just want to important. 

I know now that if I want that, I need to be less aggressive in my tactics. I need to be in the passenger seat for once in my life, I need be along for the ride.

It's scary. It's intimidating, but what do I have to lose?

My New Life Resolution:

Never ask a guy out on a first date. Let him take the leap of faith toward me. Then, unless contact is consistent and there is obvious turn taking, let him plan the next few dates. Let him have the lead for once. 

I am very ready for change.

2012... Hit me with your best shot.

One Day at a Time...

Hello? World? Are you out there? It's me, Kayla. I was just making sure I wasn't the only one here. Sometimes it's just reassuring to know I am not the only one who lives this crazy thing we call life.

It's always a great feeling when someone is there for you. Even when you don't expect anyone to be. When you get in an argument at the wee hours of the morning and someone is waiting at the stairs because they saw your face as they walked by.

This right here is why I love my sorority. This right here is why I know that no matter how unreasonable I am, I will have someone to and just feel close to. Girls who I have known for as little as six months I feel like I could tell my deepest, darkest secrets that I could even tell my best friends of years. For some reason, I feel safer in the confides of a house I have been living in for a mere two months than I do in a house I lived in for years. This is more of home than I can remember.

It's not just that I love the help I can get, but the more I reveal and leave my exposed, they do the same. I sit on my organic comforter filled to the brim with anger while a sister sits less than two feet away lying against my wall hearing me ramble. Then she takes the wheel, rambling about all her hardships. Justifying my feelings as I justify hers. We sit for hours coming up with plots of revenge and reconciliation. We sit there knowing we are safe and knowing that we can trust one another.

It's not only the hard times though. It's also the reminiscing times. After a fun filled evening, all the inside jokes and giggles that took place. Seriously, I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else.

Like every intelligent girl, I was skeptical of a sorority. I was the girl in high school who despised the cliquey girls. I was the girl who would have much rather been covered in mud than makeup. Who am I kidding? I still am. So, stereotypical sororities weren't for me. No way, No how. I went through recruitment because my friends were. I had no intention of joining. I was playing a warped mind game of mine, I was going to freak these preppy girls out.

Hi, I am [insert name] and I am a sister of [insert sorority here]

Hi, I am Kayla. I work in a neurosurgery lab. I get to do brain surgery on rats.

(Typical Answer) Oh, that's... interesting. Umm... what do you do?

I give them brain cancer and treat them and then collect their brains for histology.

(Typical Answer) Sounds... interesting. Oh, this is my sister [insert name], this is Kayla, we were just talking about her job. [Sisters name] has a cool job too.



The answers from my sorority...

OH MY GOODNESS I DO THE SAME THING! But I work with mice. Do you get to the sacrifices yourself? What techniques do you use?

I belonged.
And that feeling is worth more than anything anyone could give me.

Jump Start.

Relationships make me want to hurl. Really, I don't care if you love your baby boo, no need to post it all over facebook. No need to create unwanted drama.

Seriously, if I want to be with someone... why is it the rest of the internet's business? Chances are I won't marry the person. So then there will be a huge diabolical regarding the break-up where everyone writes things like, "I'm sorry if you need me I'm here" or "Hit me up" or they "like" it. Honest to goodness, I don't think that you really are there. We broke up, big deal, it does not mean I need you to rescue me. I don't want you to. I figure things out on my own. The guy and I don't need your input.

As for the other comments, grow a pair, get off your computer and go meet people. Sorry, but if you approach me via the internet I am going to laugh in your face and be like sorry man, not happening. Most likely, you are exactly the same as the rest of the manginas I have dated and in case you were wondering, I like men not boys or manginas.

I guess I am like the stereotypical man in this situation. I like the opposite sex, but why complicate a good thing? I don't need a word to define what I have with someone. If I am committed to the person why put a label on it. Last time I checked I wasn't an inanimate object that needs labeling, I am a human being and I am far more complex than that. Not to mention, I get bored. Easily. So, if I decide meh I am totally ok with not continuing to see you, it's not a messy a break-up where we have to change statuses and all that jazz, instead it's a mutual agreement.

I just can't stand drama and relationships bring that. I am not saying that all relationships are bad, my goodness there have been a few of mine that I loved. I had a great time and the guy and I are still friends... but that is a rare occurrence. Trust me, the rage and tears and all the horrible things that come from breaking up isn't worth it.

Dr. Seuss says, "Don't cry because it's over but smile because it happened..." I guess he never dated a mangina. It's more along the lines of cringe because it happened. You were just jaded by the fact they were so sweet... jaded by the fact that he was so sensitive and caring... Honestly, it was because he was more of a woman that you ever were. I need some testosterone so I don't know why I always go for the stereotypical girlman better yet, girlboy.

Is it too much to ask for? All I want is:

1. A Man
2.  Physical/Mental Attraction
3. Testosterone
4. Non-Douchebaggish Qualities
5. Intelligence

I guess it is....Seriously, where have the good men gone? Why couldn't I live a few decades ago when all men were able to fix a car and were strong and actual men? With the internet and such everything has become so feminine and easy... all the guys have become softies and achieved a whole new level of manginaness.

Seriously, I dated this one kid, he was what I thought was the stereotypical farm boy. He was tall tan from the middle of no where... and he didn't even know how to jump start a car? Seriously?

I apologize that I watch sports, that I know how to fix several things on my car, that I am not the average girl. I get told on a frequent basis that I shock people with my knowledge of random "man" stuff. Well, what shocks me is that this "man" stuff is not even known by most men!

What has happened to society? Seriously.

Technology at its Finest.

In seventh grade for Christmas I received my first cell phone. It was that brick of a Nokia that only had snake and the ability to download backgrounds and was of course prepaid.

I worked hard to get the money to support my $0.50 texting habit for the day. Doing chores, babysitting, anything that I could do earn a few bucks. I would head to the drug store about once a month and buy the $15 phone card. I don't know what I loved more, being able to text or scratching off the redemption code. This was nearly seven years ago... Now I have a phone with wireless internet, is a touch screen, and has access to every game imaginable. Yes, the phones may have changed, but one thing remains the same... The fact that texts are the epitome of evil.

I never was one to use that crazy language that cuts your character usage by half. I always used correct grammar and full on words... except for one... that three letter acronym that is overused and have become a sentence filler.... lol

I am guilty. I don't usually laugh out loud, and if I do, I say "hahaha I literally just laughed out loud." I don't understand how I got to this point. I usually use those three letters at least fifty times per conversation, at least once per text... sometimes more. I think I might need to Texters Anonymous and try to find a way cut that word (if you can even consider it a word) out of my vocabulary. What makes it even worse is that Merriam Webster even has a definition for it. I am a part of that generation that writes papers for class like "Ur a gr8 boi wen u try 2 b."  I won't even get started on emoticons...

But it's not only the language that is evil... Think about it, do you go anywhere without your phone? No. It is an extension of you. If mine is misplaced, I literally go through a mini panic attack. I constantly am checking it for updates and I am a victim of the phantom vibrate (where you think that your phone is going off but in all reality you are just imagining it).

Relationships are based off of texts now. People text people in the same room. What happened to real life interactions? Seriously, it is more common to break up with someone via text than any other way. It's that one sentence, "We need to talk." or "We need 2 tlk." It literally gives people a way to be lazy, inconsiderate, and disconnected.

I have a younger sister, she received her first phone when she was 5. When I was that age, I had imaginary friends and spent most of my day outside. What did she do? Spent it on the computer or with her phone permanently glued to her. Now that she is an eighth grader, she is more technologically dependent than I am. It's kind of a terrifying thought... If there were no cell phones, no internet, no digital cable or TiVo, no GPS.... we would be in utter disarray.  We'd be lost, stranded, and ignorant.

No I am not saying that before these inventions that life was horrible, I am saying that with the extreme dependency we as a human race have, if one day they were to stop working... utter chaos would ensue.


It's bad... even though I am ranting about how disgusted with technology, I have checked my email, my phone several times, and my facebook.

I need to go to the middle of the nowhere and leave all my worldly items behind and just be.

I only want a notebook and pen. I want to go all out Thoreau, except not have my mother do my laundry and I totally want toiletries... 

That's something that I want to do before I die. I want to unplug myself and see what I discover.

It All Starts With A Spark...

You know those days when you think, "I could be doing something more productive right now?"

Well... Today isn't one of those.

So, here I am. Five foot tall, well short if you ask me, embarking on a adventure that I can only hope ends like every good book, with a the doors wide open for a sequel.

Like everyone, I have big dreams and aspirations. I go to a top notch college and know exactly what I want to do at that end of my four years here.... Medicine. Yes, I know everybody grows up thinking "I am going to be a doctor!", but that's not how it happened for me.

I wanted to be happy. In kindergarten when the teacher goes around and asks what everyone wants to be when they grew up most people said things like Firefighter, Doctor, Rockstar, etc. but me, this short ginger with enough freckles to play an intense game of connect the dots, said happy. The teacher told me that wasn't the type of answer she was looking for, so I then said I wanted to be a singing clown doctor who worked at McDonalds, again the teacher just shrugged and moved on to the next Astronaut, President, or Artist.

It took me until the summer before I began high school for my world to finally come together. I had a modern day epiphany. No, I wasn't in a field and the clouds didn't part and no beam of light spoke to me, instead I was on an operating table. I had a mask of putrid watermelon flavored anesthesia on my face and I was counting down from a hundred. I was surrounded by men and women who were all masked and in green scrubs. In my last lucid moments, I remember saying to the neurosurgeon who was looking at MRI scans, "I am going to be you one day..." Several hours later, even though it felt like seconds, I was in ICU with a new battle wound across my scalp. I was bionic and I had a goal.

Fast forward six years, and voila, I am still working towards that goal. To some, I am that super nerdy girl who know a little about a lot and a lot about a little. To others, I am that girl who has way to much energy and is too quirky for her own good. To most, I am just Kayla, they are the ones who have given up trying to define in terms of normal society.

Take this as you will, but today starts a journey and you are along for the ride.