Realization.

I was told a month ago that I get everything I want. 

He told me, "Kayla, I have never met anyone quite like you. You are the epitome of awesome. You are a little bit intimidating, you are successful, smart, beautiful, outgoing... I could go on and on with different adjectives that describe you and still not encompass everything that is Kayla. What is most intimidating is that you get everything you want. Even if it wasn't in the prospects of others involved some how you manage it. It's frightening. You are just so warm and great to be around people get lost in you. You make me feel like I have no control, it's scary. I want to be the man in a relationship but with you, it's too easy to just let you take control. I like you, I really like you but I don't think I could ever feel anything more than that. It's about the chase and by you being assertive and taking the lead I didn't have to try. I want to try for a girl."

It was the most eye opening thing I have ever heard. I am intimidating. I never realized that was the case. It finally made sense. I have said many times that I don't want a mangina, but that is who I attract. The shy guy who doesn't know what to do and then I take the lead and he is in awe with me. It makes sense why I frequently feel cheated, like I am working harder than my counterpart.

A quote I chose to live by recently:

Don't make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.

That is how I felt with the newer guys I have pursued. I want someone to call me up and actually ask me on a date. I don't remember the last date I went on that I didn't plan or put the idea in someone's head to do so. I just want to important. 

I know now that if I want that, I need to be less aggressive in my tactics. I need to be in the passenger seat for once in my life, I need be along for the ride.

It's scary. It's intimidating, but what do I have to lose?

My New Life Resolution:

Never ask a guy out on a first date. Let him take the leap of faith toward me. Then, unless contact is consistent and there is obvious turn taking, let him plan the next few dates. Let him have the lead for once. 

I am very ready for change.

2012... Hit me with your best shot.